Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
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[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
i dont have time for this
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.