Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
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Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though