Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
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Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I have two kinds of followers
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.