If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
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I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.