My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
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THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.