Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
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I told my vodka about you.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?