I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
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her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I put the p in pants.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Pretty much! 😂👀
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good