FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
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The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…