The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
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Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.