#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
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Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.