Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
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I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.