If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
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Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.