10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
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In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Home is where your toilet is.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Sheep
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
My guardian angel deserves a raise
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?