Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
You Might Also Like
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Sell your car
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Potatoes were such a good idea
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?