[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
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doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.