I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
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Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
IT’S-A ME,
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts