gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
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[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser