I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
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if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl