I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
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male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.