Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
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Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store