Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
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I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup