Egyptians don’t walk like that.
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My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.