What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
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My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.