Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
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Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…