Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
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Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
dam girl
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
#winning
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.