My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
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Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.