[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
You Might Also Like
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Life hack
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.