Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
You Might Also Like
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?