I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
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Weirdos gonna weird.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.