Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
You Might Also Like
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)