SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
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*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok