DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
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*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
This is true.