Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
You Might Also Like
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Somebody’s lying.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
what’s more important?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.