Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
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awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Pigeon open mic night.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…