Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
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6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do