Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
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Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
How it started: How it’s going:
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
🔦🌙👣
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming