“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
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I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”