can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
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“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze