Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
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“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.