i have one speed and it’s mosey
You Might Also Like
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.