Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
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Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Order here:
More here:
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…