A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
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When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
PLOT TWIST:
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.