The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
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If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”