No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
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My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
i’m still crying at this
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
This meal prepping shit is easy
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Poetry is my passion
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*