Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
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Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.