Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
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Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
For the baby who has everything
same energy
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no