[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
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i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Does beer think about me too?
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.