A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
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[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.