The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
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I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
(by @ZachWeiner )
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction