Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
You Might Also Like
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*